Ten foot c*ck and a few hundred virgins

by Tim Minchin

("If you're a religious person, you might want to pop out for about five minutes...")

So you're gonna live in Paradise,
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins.
So you're gonna live in Paradise,
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO,
And when the Lord comes down
in his shimmering chariot of salvation,
You're gonna be the first to know.

And so if...
God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women,
Then He also invented wanking,
Then He said wanking was sinning.
So if I'm feeling randy
I'm not allowed to hand-shandy,
But having sex with my family,
That is just fucking great.

It's all there in Ezekial 8,
Just before He opens up His big Pearly Gate,
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the date,
Even if it's great,
Even with your cowboy mate.

So you're gonna live in Paradise,
With a ten-foot cock and few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass,
And when the Lord comes down
With his shiny rod of judgement,
He's gonna kick my heathen arse.

So if you...
Cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning,
Because black is so slimming,
Though it's not great for swimming.
But it gives you an erection,
With the increased sexual tension,
What with the U.V. protection
That is second to none.

You'll find it all in the Qur'an
Just next to the bit that justifies guns,
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the bum,
Even if it's fun,
Even with permission from your mum.

Oh, so you're gonna live in Paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity,
And when the Lord comes down
And I haven't done my penance,
He's gonna disembowel me. Ohhh...

You say that...
If I...
Stumbled on a watch I'd assume it had a watchmaker,
That a muffin presupposes a baker,
So you must agree sooner or later,
That this proves that there's a creator.
So if I put my foot in a stinker,
You'd assume the existence of a sphincter,
Thus you don't need to be a great thinker
To conclude that God's a bum,
Which negates the words of Genesis 1.

Which made Him out to be so much fun,
Until Adam succumbed
To temptation,
And then His only son
Got nailed to a gum,
Or the Middle-Eastern equivalent,
Which suggests that God's omniscience
Is nullified by His ambivilance,
Unless it turns out that He's impotent.

And if God can't get a boner,
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in His honour -
Because we all know a steeple's just a subconscious
compensatory manifestation of a huge stiff penis -
Still He tells us that it's heinous
To stick a penis up your anus,
Even if you're famous,
Even if you're good at tennis.

So you're gonna live in Paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins,
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO,
And when the Lord comes down with 
his big stiff slippery, rod of justice,
I'm gonna be the first to go,
He's gonna send me down below,
He's gonna whip me like a 'ho,
Do you really think so?
I'm gonna be the first to go.