I hate those annual roundup Xmas letters

I can't stand those letters some people feel they have to send around at the end of each year, detailing their family's successes and achievements. It makes me sick. No-one can be that perfect. In fact I think the people who have to send those letters around probably have the most cracks beneath the surface! Anyway, here is an annual Xmas letter I read, and actually enjoyed...

How to live a rich and rewarding life, just like me

It's not that hard: just follow the Danny Katz life lessons.

Dear Friends and Family, near and far: Time again for my Katz Family End-Of-Year Wrap-Up Annual Highlights Newsletter Update of 2015!!!

I know you all love getting these letters, because I never hear back from any of you, so I figure I must have covered all the important matters in such fascinating detail, you have nothing more to ask!

But just to quickly fill you in on the latest Katz family news: the kids are great, my beloved is wonderful, and I'm doing amazing apart from long stretches of anguish that claw at my heart in the blackness of night when I lie awake and contemplate the impermanence of life, but then the morning sun rises and I'm good again! Crazy stuff, haha!

Anyway, for this year's letter, I thought I'd do something a bit different and share some of the big life lessons I've learnt over the past 12 months, in the hope that you'll reflect on them, learn from them, and maybe your lives can become as rich and rewarding as my own (as if! Haha!).

Life Lesson No. 1: If your mobile phone gets wet, you can dry it by immersing it in rice for a few days – BUT make sure the rice is uncooked. I did it with cooked rice and it only made the phone wetter. Also, don't eat the rice after you've finished drying your phone, especially if the phone got wet from falling in a toilet. I didn't taste anything weird, but in hindsight, it was probably unnecessary.

Life Lesson No. 2: If you want to get rid of unwanted body hair, there may be a better method than to burn it off with a barbecue gas-lighter when you're at home by yourself. Unwanted body hair burns very quickly, and it also tends to grow alongside wanted body hair, which burns just as quickly. But you'll be pleased to know that all is looking better now, everything is growing back nicely, and I may not have to wear a long-sleeve hoodie for the whole summer.

Life Lesson No. 3: This is more of just a general safety warning, but it needs to be said. Over the past 12 months, I've noticed that sinkholes have become very angry with us for some reason – maybe it's a historical thing, maybe it's our government polices. Anyway, they're popping open everywhere, trying to harm us and destroy our personal freedoms. So just stay alert during this global geopolitical crisis and keep right away from sinkholes (same goes for sharks and air shows).

Well that's pretty much all the lessons I have, friends and family, so let me wish you all a happy, peaceful 2016, and let's hope next year is a more peaceful and happy one for the whole world. In fact, we should reflect on the wise words of John Lennon when he said "Imagine there's no heaven" – because maybe the human race would be less self-destructive if we all realised that this is the only life we get, and if there is an afterlife, it's just our decaying corpses feeding millions of plants and insects, like a resort-buffet meat carvery with a kid's menu for the prepupal blowfly larvae. I think it's a beautiful sentiment and one I will leave you with.

No wait, one more important life lesson: Be gentle when unwrapping Laughing Cow Cheese portions. Lately, I've noticed the little red pull-tags have been breaking off and you have to squeeze the cheese out of the foil corner. Very frustrating!

© Danny Katz - Columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald - "The Age" Saturday December 26, 2015